Wrestling with God

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“Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.” James 4:10

I was in a wrestling match for years before I finally woke up and really heard what the Spirit of God had been telling me all along I had been doing and needed to repent of and change direction.

In a nutshell, I had been wrestling with God. For years. With the gift of writing He has given me. Time after time, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, I had seen the gift of writing as MY GIFT for the Lord and as MY WRITING that I could do anything I wanted with as long as I did MY WRITING with MY GIFT – FOR HIM. Over and again, countless times, I wrestled with God. When He told me to publish something, I wanted to edit it. When He wanted the writing a certain way, I wanted to change it. When He told me to stop editing, I wanted to continue. When I thought the writing was too this or too that, I wanted to “make it better.” When I was focused on how the writing sounded, He wanted me to focus instead on HIS WILL and HIS POWER and HIS GLORY and to TRUST HIM to do what HE WANTED with the writing FOR HIM. When I was too afraid to publish it for fear of people hating and rejecting me, and He wanted me to publish it anyway, I would hold back – at least temporarily. I would resist Him, even if I ended up publishing it anyway. When He wanted me to rest, I would write anyway if I wanted to. When He wanted me to write, and I didn’t want to, I would debate. Or get distracted.

In my mind, I had convinced myself I had fully submitted the writing to Christ. I had not. I was constantly wrestling with God. I said the writing was a gift belonging to God but I acted like the writing belonged to me. I figured as long as I continued to use it “for God,” I was fine. I was anything but fine. The Spirit of God led me to repentance. He showed me it was time to quit wrestling with God. What belongs to Christ is Christ’s. I belong to Christ. So does the writing God has given me. A partial surrender was insufficient. I needed to surrender all. All of the writing. All of everything God has given me. All of me. To the Lord. No more wrestling. I needed, and need, to learn day by day, hour by hour, to humbly place myself and all the Lord has given me in His hands. It was time to learn to wave the surrender flag. No more wrestling. Instead, total surrender. Breath by breath, I am learning this.

How about you?

 

 

 

 

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