“Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ.” Philippians 3:8…………….
Given my background of childhood sex abuse, an eating disorder, alcoholism, post-traumatic stress disorder, debilitating depression and anxiety, self-mutilation, and about 20 years of contemplating suicide, coupled with being kicked out of my family when I spoke about being abused and abandonment by two husbands not to mention numerous personal tragedies, I was the perfect candidate for “inner healing”. First, I jumped headlong into what would become years of worldly “inner healing” via psychology, psychiatry, hospitals, medications, counselors, self-help groups, recovery groups, etc. Next, after the Lord had led me to Himself, I jumped headlong into what would become several years of “Christian” inner healing, a worldly-based process I came to find out was not biblical like I had been led to believe.
Why was all of this dangerous? Didn’t it help? Didn’t I get “better”? Didn’t I get “healed”? Didn’t I “recover”? What I got was temporary relief at times, a big fat bandage placed on top of a whole bunch of brokenness, and the delusion that I was on my way to healing when in fact the greatest consequence of all of this was that I became increasingly consumed with my SELF whereby I spiraled ever more downward in the grand scheme of things. All of the “inner healing”, both the worldly kind and the “Christian” kind which was in fact just as worldly, was all based on PEOPLE, on THE PAST, on SELF, and even when it involved God and the Bible was nothing more than smooshing scriptures into worldly techniques with humans running the show. More and more, more and more SELF.
Then the Lord set me free. He drew me to Himself, filled me with His Spirit, began to teach me His Word one on one as I made a daily commitment to study and spend time with Him, delivered me from any and all false teaching I had been under as described herein along with much else, and began to teach me what it means to follow the Lord Jesus Christ, and how to do just this. To deny SELF, to begin to live the LIFESTYLE of following Jesus, and to learn to LOVE, to FORGIVE, to be MERCIFUL, to focus on THE LORD, and to forsake what I wanted to live the way He wants me to live.
My life is still hard; I have some tough chronic circumstances. I struggle daily. I have forsaken the life I wanted for the life God wants me to live. I have lost most of what I wanted and not gotten most of what I have wanted. I have faced loss after loss, tragedy after tragedy, trial after trial. I have learned to live for Christ, not SELF, and this is hard, so hard, on the flesh that cries out to serve SELF.
But I choose to love and serve Christ instead. And the joy, the thrill, the excitement of enjoying an indescribably amazing and intimate personal relationship with Christ, which grows by the day, is immeasurable. No riches on this earth, no earthly pleasures and treasures can possibly compare with the astoundingly beautiful precious and ever-growing relationship I have with Jesus today.
I no longer practice “inner healing”, not even the “Christian” kind. What I practice daily is dying to SELF and living for Jesus, and I trust Jesus as my Lord, my Savior, my deliverer, my redeemer, my best friend, and my healer. The Spirit of God lives inside me and fills me continually, and teaches me His ways and leads me through life. I live to love and worship and serve and obey and revere and honor and adore God almighty, and I live to help others to believe in and follow my Jesus.
I look back and now I know. I didn’t need “inner healing”. I needed intimacy with my Christ. I didn’t need worldly psychology. I needed God’s Word and to learn to live by it.
No matter how hard life can be, and it sure still can be, the brokenness is gone. I am whole in Christ. I take responsibility for my sin and repent when I need to, and God’s Spirit through God’s Word ever conforms me to Christ as I hunger and thirst incessantly for more of what feeds and fills me, what fulfills and satisfies me, what strengthens and comforts me, what heals and holds me, what blesses me and makes me smile, what gives me joy even when I have plenty of reason to cry and cry, what sustains me and provides for me, and what this is, is not a what, but a who, and who this is, my Lord, my God, who died on the cross for me and was raised from the dead that all who repent and believe in Him as Lord, truly turning from this world’s ways to God and His ways, truly living for Christ instead of self, are forgiven and given the greatest treasure, and pleasure, beyond measure, in the universe, forever with Jesus, Jesus the Christ! Hallelujah! Amen!