I Am Broken

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“I will lift up my eyes to the hills—

From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2……

I was broken for decades. Hopeless. Purposeless. My life ever spiraling downward. I could barely function. Childhood sex abuse. Post-traumatic stress disorder. Alcoholism. Anorexia. Self-mutilation. Abandonment by my family for talking about the sex abuse. Then abandonment by two husbands. Numerous tragedies. Continually contemplating suicide. Indescribable depression. Awful anxiety. Desperately seeking a fix for my brokenness. No amount of human help gave me more than a temporary band-aid over wounds that only worsened. Oh, how broken I was!

Only now with total clarity can I see why my brokenness only worsened. I believed I was broken. But I couldn’t see past myself. I blamed the world for my brokenness. I also blamed myself for my brokenness. But as far as I was concerned, my brokenness was all about what others had done and were doing to me and how I felt deep down inside about myself regarding other people’s wrongdoing toward me. I couldn’t see how DESPERATELY I DID IN FACT NEED TO BE BROKEN, THAT BROKENNESS WAS WHAT I NEEDED MORE THAN ANYTHING, BUT THAT THE BROKENNESS I NEEDED WAS NOT THE BROKENNESS I HAD because I was so utterly consumed with self.

I needed to be BROKEN OVER MY OWN SIN. I needed to be BROKEN BEFORE GOD, to be HEARTBROKEN OVER MY OWN WRONGDOING, to take responsibility for my OWN SINS, to REPENT OF MY SINS BEFORE GOD, and to turn my desperation away from the world and all its endless offerings in the way of worldly healing methods and TURN MYSELF OVER UTTERLY TO THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, to SEEK AND RECEIVE GOD’S FORGIVENESS, to COMMIT MY LIFE WHOLLY TO CHRIST, to STUDY AND LEARN TO LIVE BY THE BIBLE, to ASK FOR AND BE FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT OF GOD, to CONNECT MYSELF TO OTHER CHRIST FOLLOWERS, to WORSHIP WITH THEM and live side-by-side with them, and TO SPEND TIME WITH THE LORD DAILY IN PRAYER AND PRAISE, learning to LIVE FOR HIM ENTIRELY!

I have AN AWESOMELY AMAZING PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST NOW with WHOM I WILL SPEND FOREVER, and my NEW LIFE IN CHRIST, my heart FILLED WITH LOVE, PEACE, HOPE, and JOY, BEGINS WITH CONTINUAL BROKENNESS BEFORE GOD. How so? I place myself in His hands entirely, regularly seeking Him for forgiveness, continually seeking Him by His Spirt through His Word to ever grow me in His image and to ever draw me closer to Himself forevermore!

I have forgiven and pray as led for those who have hurt me, and my focus is no longer on being broken by this world, as we will be hurt in this world so filled with evil, but my focus is on THE LORD, on being BROKEN BEFORE HIM, such that I am humbled, surrendered, willing clay in His hands that He might do with me, in me, and through me what He desires to bring glory to His most holy blessed forever amazing phenomenal name, Amen!

Broken? What kind of broken are you?

 

 

 

 

 

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